Let It Go
It’s no secret if you know me personally, that I’ve been having a hard time adjusting to life lately. Selling and moving away from the home I never wanted to leave, in hopes for maybe a better future, was really hard. Then when things fell apart very shortly after we got here, and everything we sacrificed felt like it was for nothing, it all became too much to bear. It’s left me reeling with anger, regret, fear, stress, and deep grief. Obviously, I don’t like feeling that way, and in general I tend to be a pretty ridiculously hopeful person - but THIS - this I just haven’t been able to shake. It’s been really bothering me, because it’s just not like me, but I truly feel like I am at my wits end with it all.
I was talking to my therapist this week about more of all of that, and how I’ve been feeling physically as well, and how it was all making me feel as a whole. She let me share all of my feelings and thoughts as therapists do, and then she made me pause and said:
“Humor me for a second and do something for me…”
I said okay a little apprehensive.
She said “clench your fists as hard as you can and hold it for a little while.”
I did as she asked. I clenched my fists until my knuckles were white and I could feel my fingernails pushing into my palms. My arms began to tighten from the tension, then my body, and before I knew it, my teeth and jaw were hurting from trying to hold my fists so tightly. She let me hold it like that until it was an uncomfortable amount of silence, and then she spoke.
“Do you feel the tension in your hands? The pain? Do you feel the tension it builds all over your body?”
I shook my head yes and she told me I could relax.
“Rachel, you are holding on so tightly to the past in one hand, and your unmet expectations for your move here in the other - clenched so tightly into fists. You can only do this for so long before your body and mind give out. You are tired and exhausted mentally and physically from holding on, and your body is showing you… but you’re not letting go.”
The knowledge bomb that I already knew in the subconscious of my brain, but hearing it out loud from someone else and having it explained to me in a way that I could physically feel, hit me hard. The truth is, up until that point, I felt like I didn’t know how to let it go or if I even could; it didn’t feel like I was the one holding it, it felt like it had swallowed me whole. It was like I was still so determined to make it all okay the way that I so badly dreamed it would be okay - and it’s just not - and my brain could not compute. Honestly, it’s still having a hard time some days. Everything in me feels like all I’ve ever known is FIGHTING. When I envision myself in this season of life, all I can see is something invisible holding me tightly bound as I struggle and fight and kick and flail my body with all of my might trying to get free. My life has been filled with a fighting spirit. I feel like I have had to fight against people and things my whole life. Fighting with gnashed teeth, jaw tight, just clenching so tightly to everything I hold dear and want and dream, with the war cry of YOU CAN’T TAKE THIS FROM ME! I am stubborn and determined to my core, because in a way, life’s lessons have taught me to be. But what if this is just me fighting hard against myself? What if this is me fighting against God? What if I just relaxed? I truly don’t think I know how…
All I was promised in this life is God’s goodness and grace, and that He has a plan for me. I realize now that somewhere along this particular journey, I decided that if I sacrificed these things that I loved so dearly, that I’d end up with better things. I told myself that. I expected that. Maybe that happens sometimes, true, but it doesn’t always happen the way we think it will. Sometimes you just get different things, or other things. Sometimes, God just has something else for you for the time being. Sometimes, you get free from one thing, and end up in a desert for a little while.
As we began to wrap up our session, my therapist also said “You know, you talk about how content you were in Wilmington in your house despite the troubles you faced there - and contentment is beautiful and a good thing - but sometimes contentment turns into complacency, and God doesn’t want us to get complacent when He has other things planned for us.”
It left me questioning: Had my contentment in previous years turned into complacency? Was God trying to shake me out of my slumber? Surely, if I could find beauty through ashes in times past, then I could do it again here. Where do I start?
There’s an old song by Switchfoot, called “Daisy” that I have always loved. The moment my session ended the last chorus and end of the song rushed into my head:
“Let it go
Daisy, let it go
Open up your fist
This fallen world
It doesn’t hold your interest
It doesn’t hold your soul
Daisy, let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go
And you let it go, go…”
Open up your fist. Let it go. I remembered my therapist making me clench my fists tight like she made me aware that I have been doing so hard. If I could just open up my fists a little, if I could just relax a little and stop flailing so hard… I could start to let it go.
I’m allowed to feel grief over what is lost and gone, and times past. I’m allowed to feel anger over what has transpired. I’m allowed to have my questions and doubts. But now when I have them, I physically clench my fists and I feel it all… and then I exhale and I release my grip and I try my best to drop it all at the feet of Jesus. Only time will tell what God has in store for me, and my family in this season. All I can do for now is work through everything and try to look for new opportunities for growth and hopeful change. Where might God be leading me or leaving new doors open for me?
And little by little I will work my way from clenched fists, to loosening the grip, and eventually to fully open hands. Open and ready to receive what the Lord has for me, and letting go of all the rest.
